They Dutch, They Mexican

Left Charles Esche

Last Saturday at the opening of the exhibition Be(come)ing Dutch in Eindhoven I was surprised to hear the Van Abbe Museum director, Charles Esche talking about himself about being Scot-Dutch. He also described some Dutch cultural particularities as "we Dutch this" or "we Dutch that".
I commented him that in contrast to that way I always talk about "they Dutch" or "they Mexican". In that sudden moment I though it was probably an example to be followed.
This idea stayed in my mind and I realized that being as literal as I am I cannot say "We Mexicans" any more as I really feel that I look to most cultural outings as generalizations of people there and I am geographically and in time relatively detached. I would rather say something technically more exact as: -when I was leaving there- or -most Mexicans do this...-.
And in relation to being able to say "we Dutch" it is not only that I do not feel accepted as Dutch in the Netherlands, (even though I repeat to my self every day: I am Dutch, I am Dutch, like pretending that if I say it often enough it will become truth) but I am seen as a Mexican speaking rather decent Dutch, with a broad information on Dutch matters, but hardly any one of those that think they are 'real Dutch' would say by themselves: -oh here, I want to introduce you to the Dutch artist Marisa Polin!-
Funny enough I can only be Dutch, and believed of being Dutch, when I am neither in The Netherlands nor in Mexico. Another strange thing is outside the two countries I would say about half of the time that I am Mexican and the other half that I am Dutch, as if was trying to be fair.
I really enjoy being taken as "Dutch" when I am abroad. I let the purple-Bordeaux NL passport casually be seen by others. But I know I am also the deep dark green of the Mexican passport.
I want to be both, I want to be none.
But, what is it that I am?
I don't think I will ever use the "we Dutch" or the "we Mexican" and maybe by the only reason that I don't believe in that kind of generalization.

Here some shots I took at the opening.

Mr. Van Abbe, grandson of the collector.

The public 'fought' for a place for some of the works that were restricted to 1, 4 or few visitors. Apparently that was the reason we missed the best one, about a theoretical exile of Jews in the year 2048.



Hadassa Hemerich


Fiona Tan

Probably one of my favorite works, with the girls.

For some of the works was, within the huge crowd, difficult to find the description card. As I heard, not until the last moment, as often happens, was the exhibition ready and maybe were some of the cards forgotten or placed very discreetly.

I regret.

I deeply regret not having studied Dutch more systematically than I did it when I arrived in The Netherlands. I thought I did my best, but I only wanted to communicate, right away and that was at the time good enough. I read a lot but I hardly ever wrote anything, not even a shopping list. Only the last years I had been writing more and being confronted with what I should have at from the beginning of my stay here.

At the language lessons I was jealous of the Swedish lady who started talking very good Dutch after few months here or of Natalio who did the same but he was amazingly intelligent.
When I hear on television people who arrived here as many years ago as I did and they speak very nice Dutch with a beautiful choice of words I celebrate them, but it reminds me of my enthusiast but imperfect Dutch.

The worst of all is having to recognize it, as I just did last week end -after the TV Hoeksteen interview and the presentation of the exhibition with public- that it will never get any better. The mistakes are so deep in my brain and my carefulness thinking is not going to change. Many sounds I still can't hear. It is a pity. I regret it.

And it is so sad when well meant people tell you, -oh but it sounds so beautifully exotic!- I don't want to be exotic. I want to express my self in the way I think, without having to adapt my thinking to my Dutch vocabulary. Or when they say after just shaking hands -you speak very good Dutch, where do you come from?-. I don't want to be asked the whole time where do I come from? by people who don't even know my name. I don't particularly enjoy being talked in English for half an hour when I had been speaking the whole time in Dutch. I want to be Dutch. I recently 'celebrated' having my Dutch passport already for 10 years. It is only a paper, nationality is more than that. What here is called 'cheese head' ('kaaskoop') -many generations Dutch and blond- probably they will never hear them calling me Dutch.

Often I think of the known Swiss photographer Gertrude Duby Blom, who was born in Germany and spoke fluently many languages, including Spanish, after having lived in Mexico for 50 years. I met her in her 90's, in San Cristobal Mexico where she remained the last years of her life. In the mornings she was able to speak all languages including Spanish. But after 12 o'clock she changed into German, and because at her residence no one spoke that language she became isolated big part of her day.
I see my self old and also not being able to talk in Dutch anymore after midday. It will be like that if I reach that older age! I accept it.
Maybe I should not be regretting it, because I could have not done it otherwise any way.

The photo's come from different sources: The first two are screen photos. The three last are G.Blom, her house in San Cristobal and one of her photographs.

The photographer and the models

The photographer asked Wim Pijbes who was opening the exhibition, the artist (me) and the sitter from the invitation: Rkia El Yazidi, to pose for him. It is very representative trio about the exposition.
Rkia was accompanied by his children (both artists) and her daughter in law Emilie Patijn. I think Rkia was a little bit overwhelmed by all the attention she had but she told me she liked the painting.
Actually it was Hicham Khalidi (curator digital media TAG), her son who suggested that his mother should be part of this project of mine 'Mederlanders'. It was already in december 2005 that I met her and photographed her. I still agree with Hicham, she belongs in the group.
I hoop at the end of the year to have all 7 portraits ready.

The article appeared today at AD Haagsche Courant (Newspaper of The Hague).
Text: Gijsbert Spierenburg (in Dutch).
Photograph: Guus Schoonewille. Click on the image for a larger version.

The Catalogues

These are the covers of ID igital, Mederlanders and Simil.

Double nationality

Is it possible to have, not legally, but emotionally a double nationality?

How real could that be? I have of course no doubts about being Mexican, I was born there, I fell in love for the first time there, I went to university there, but when I am there nowdays there is always this 'strangeness' I can not get rid of. There has grown like a small transparent tape that makes me see nearly everything from a distance or maybe you could call it a pluridimensional vision?

On the other hand, I am Dutch but I live in a society where I have to constantly remind people that I am Dutch. So there must be something phoney about it I suppose.

In the Netherlands, no matter how long you have had your passport or even when you were practically born here, everybody keeps on reminding you that you are an 'outsider'.

I want to belong, and sometimes I even have that feeling just to evaporate seconds after as I get a remark from someone.

But the problem is not only on the others it is also in me. As I talk about Mexicans or Dutch I catch myself saying must of the time "they" and not '"we".

I know very well the political present of The Netherlands, quite a lot about the arts, society, law and actual Holland. But I feel so weak an uncertain as people start talking, let's say about Dutch history, before "Marisa's time (pre-1990)". On the other hand when I am in Mexico I know a lot about history, life, literature until the 8o's. But just imagine I left Mexico when De la Madrid was still in power. I didn't live the deep days of Salinas or the transition times with Zedillo and Fox. When I see Mexican television I hardly know anyone, many new actresses and those I should know are so transformed by their surgeries that I can only guess who they are.So, where do I belong?

Yesterday was the Fiesta Nacional (celebrating Mexican independence to Spain) at Madurodam (a tourist attraction with a mini-Netherlands). Half the people were Mexicans and the other half were their Dutch partners. We talked in our both languages in the same way we do it at our homes.

When I was picking up the tickets at the entrance from the Dutch voluntary, she started talking in English to me. It hurted. I doubted but finally I dared to tell her what I thought and felt: We all speak Dutch or Spanish, so please talk to us in any of these two languages (as we are not at an English speaking country). She replied that she did not speak Spanish, and then I repeated: "We all speak Dutch". I thing she understood, we are celebrating being Mexicans but we are ALSO Dutch and we don't want to be alienated. I want to believe we can be BOTH.

But on the other hand, I write this Blog in English, so who can understand me?
The photo's are from the diplomatic reception and the Mexican's party.

The fourth cover

It was great making the covers for Vrij Nederland, the last cover with the actress Halina Rijn is out. Making the covers you feel a lot of pressure because it is chosen through others who are you painting, there are certaing restriccions from the magazine (very few) and the most difficult is the date line. I can be fast at work, because I really like what I do, but it is important to take time to look at the painting even when I think is finished to really be sure about it. Well, in this four cases it was not possible. I am satisfied with the whole experience, I have had many coments and we will see what else comes.

Any way, I wish Vrij Nederland the best with this exceptional project that started in october of asking artists to make their covers.
Here the four covers: Tom Barman (dEUS), Willem-Alexander, Al Gore and Halina Rijn.

Ayaan, Ayaan

Strange world we are living, Ayaan Hirsi Ali was a second chamber representative but more important some kind of a question maker in Dutch society (and internationally). Creating also questions about her own status. Now, after speedy meetings has been decided she has not even been Dutch, her passport and nationality were not 'legally acquired'. I don't understand it.

You shouldn't try either, it is one of these ‘very Dutch’ things that have no (easy) explanation, it is just like that!De Dutch are amazed, the world is flabbergasted. I am not amused about all this.